I guess I’ll be returning to work. And that means my baby can no longer direct breastfeeding all the time. She has to take bottles, and I have to pump again.

My old pump was an electric ones by Pureen. It served me well when my daughter was still in NICU, but it’s noisy, requires batteries to run AND nowhere to found. We moved from Selangor to my hometown and it went away I guess lalala. Anyways I just bought another one, a basic, manual pump by Madela. And a few bottles to keep the milk but we have to top that up since it won’t be enough with just 4 bottles.

I thought the process is going to be easy. I don’t mean the introduction to bottles, but the whole motivation thing.

I’m going to repeat this to those who still don’t get it. I want, so very much want to keep feeding my baby with breastmilk up until she’s 2. It means no formula no whatsoever. I will try very hard to achieve that. It is very frustrating when people keep suggesting to mix with formula. I was expecting more encouragement to keep breastfeeding her. It doesn’t matter if she has started solids.

Two, bottles. Any moms of preemie would understand how challenging it is to feed the premature babies when they were still small and still not reaching their due date. I remember my daughter. When I first introduced her to direct breastfeeding, she’ll suck for about 3 – 5 times and pauses for about 5 seconds. Another 3 – 5 times, pauses again. It was a struggle to make her drink and gain more weight. When we brought her home, she’s getting better but still weak at nursing. Imagine. She’s taking the milk from the breast which is soft compared to all those silicon nipples. Yet she still struggled. I didn’t even think of giving her those hard silicon nipples for my convenience. There’s no need for me to do that back then, so I didn’t introduce any bottles. So I can’t understand if people think I’m to blame if my daughter refuses bottles now, which she does. Why give her artificial stuffs when she can easily have the natural ones?

Unless when I have to, like now.

Motivation can change everything, y’know. Right now I’m totally demotivated. Annoyed. Frustrated? Disappointed.

Yeah.

Went to an interview today. Just like the past interviews, same thing happens, kinda same question, same anxiety, same level of hopes. I guess I don’t change when it comes to confidence.

Except this one, I have a whole lot different feeling to it. Or I should say, a part of me, a little part of me died. Even so, decisions must be made. And no matter how comfortable, how happy I am at the moment, at some point that has to change. I realized that I was afraid taking the first step all this while. I refused to change even though things got hard for me. I fear for the worst. I always am.

After the session, my dad & husband fetched me. And my daughter. I could feel a strangely strong urge to hug her and not let her go. We always say she’s a pampered daughter. She really is and we’re glad to pamper her. Considering all the hardships and her fight for life months ago, I strongly believe that she deserves all the love, all the best things and I’m going to make sure that she’ll have all that. Only today it hits me like a lightning, that it wasn’t only her who was pampered. It was us. Or at least me. I’m so used being around her, needed by her, probably loved by her. So used by her cute company. And I’m afraid, I’m afraid I can’t have that anymore.

I convince myself that it’s natural that I feel that way. Only natural after 38 days sleeping without her by my side. Or to be exact, she’s been sleeping for 38 days without me by her side.

Right now, whenever I see her happy face, or her crying face; there’s a huge contradicting explosion in my mind. I’m not sure if I’m grabbing chances or just looking for troubles.

It has been 22 days since I first introduced solid food to my daughter. She’s still breastfeeding like usual, doesn’t seem to slow down (though she sleeps longer at night); which makes me happy. I want her to have solid, to add more to her meals, get her tummy full and comfortable when sleeping at night. But I still want to keep breastfeeding as much as possible until she’s 2. The fact that she doesn’t turn completely to solids (which I afraid) is a relief to me. For now I think solid food for her as en extra addition to her meal, like I said to keep her tummy full and comfortable. I’m still very happy to breastfeed her every time.

She can’t sit on her own yet and a high chair is too sturdy for her and we don’t have Bumbo chair. She sits on my lap every time for meal and I’m very fine with that. Right now, feeding her while she’s on the chair makes me feel detached and I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet. When she sits on my lap, I feel closer, like I am every time I breastfeed. She’s been direct breastfeeding since the day she got out from the incubator, and I’ve never offered her any bottle. EBMs did their job only during her days in incubator. This is probably why I feel a little bit detached when I had to use tools to feed her.

But it’s only twice a day and her baby cutleries are cute so I’m cool.

I hope she gains weight well though I have to take into consideration that she’s very active. Not a hyper kind of active, but a healthy kind. She’s happy and friendly around us, her parents and around people she knows. She really loves to play, even gets angry when she’s sleepy because she wants to play. But she’s sleepy. But she wants to play!

Just until recently we’ve been feeding her with brown rice cereal, occasionally some mashed papaya. She was bored with that until husband got her a couple jars of Heinz Organics; one is mixed vegetables and the other is apples. Tried the vegetables first, made me feel like a little hypocrite hehehe. I don’t eat veggies much. Some, but not much. And according to mood mostly. She didn’t seem to like the taste at first. I got to admit, it’s pretty strong considering there are sweet potatoes, corn, carrots & some other veggies inside. She spit a little of it out but gradually taking in. As usual she shows her full interest only when the meal is about to finish .

I have to say I’m pretty grateful that people haven’t been asking when I want to switch to formula although some of them asking when I want to give her bottles, heh. I tried to hold out weaning at first but my daughter is hungry with just breastmilk. She’s gaining her weight slowly as well so I’m using both as reason to start weaning at the age 7 months chronological, 5 months adjusted. I’m stressing here that it’s not due to pressure from others who keep asking when I want to give her food. The conversations always began with the question, I explained that I’m trying to hold as long as possible, they nod and pretend to understand. Next thing you know they’ll ask about it again. Amazing. So now she’s starting to eat solid, they better not ask me when I want to stop breastfeeding.

But people can’t stop complaining I’m sure.
Just like how I can’t stop ranting. Ahaha!

But you know what, I’ll just keep embracing her every moments. I don’t want to worry over her developments until I forget to cherish her every seconds of living.

Everything I own has its own sentimental value. Whether it’s given as gift or I bought it myself. Every single thing.

So it happened that one of those that I treasure a lot, was robbed from me. It was partly my mistake to accidentally dropped it, but you’ve read that right. A-c-c-i-d-e-n-t-a-l-l-y. If humans are a lot more honest these days, I would get it back. But nooo. Some pathetic dirts decided that it’s cool to just take it and claim it as their own. Didn’t even try to drop it in lost & found box, or leave it at the receptionist desk.

My phone. Sounds petty? No, you don’t get it. I have part of my soul contained inside. Photos of my daughter, songs that I handpicked to listen whenever I like, conversations with my loved ones. And for goodness sake, it’s a wedding gift. My husband work to earn, and with those earnings he got it for me. Maybe it’s “nothing much”, but it’s everything to me.

Sure, I can buy a new one anytime. A latest, better one. But can the better phones retrieve everything I’ve lost in that dearly phone?

Some people might ask me to wish for God to open up the thief’s heart and forgive him and I should get on with life. You might as well ask me to run around naked because there’s no way I’ll do that. I’ll just wish him/them to fall in some deep filthy pit and rot there. They can just rot wherever for all I care. Just rot. ASAP. To be so pathetic, stepping so low as to take someone else’s belongings. I wonder what would they feel when looking through the album in there, full of my daughter’s pictures. Oh wait what am I thinking? Of course they won’t feel anything.

They’re just dirts.

Pathetic, poor dirts.

Aaaannnd I’m done.

This is my daughter’s favorite. Whenever I put it on, she’ll stare at the video and gives her adorable gummy smile. She’ll then bounce on my lap trying to ‘dance’ with the songs. It’s so cute I could explode!

We just had an over 3 hours trip from Taiping to Dengkil. Staying over at my in-laws’ house for a few days. Some sort of holiday I suppose. Will be going to the beach on Monday methinks. I just hope Fatimah will be doing well outside. She needs some fresh air and I’m attempting to expose her to the world, or so they say.

She’s still afraid of people. New people mostly. Taking after me. When I was a teenager I met a lot of babies who’re afraid of people. I don’t think there’s anything weird with that. And I definitely didn’t get it why would anyone think that they’re such a snobbish babies. For goodness sake they’re babies. Just babies.

So it’s pretty aching here in my heart and annoying when people call my baby a snob because she couldn’t  interact  well with people oh well oh well.

Just a mother stuff ignoreitignoreit.

She’s sleeping at the moment. Tired from the trip, tired from crying, tired from playing. I’ll be joining the slumber soon. ♥